There is another side to this problem: in the sexual relationship between man and woman, there is no love. The woman is merely used as a means of sexual gratification. Surely, sirs, love is not the product of the mind; love is not the result of thought; love is not the outcome of a contract. Here in this country the boy and the girl hardly know each other, yet they are married and have sexual relations. The boy and girl accept each other and say, ”You give me this, and I give you that,” or ”You give me your body, and I give you security, I give you my calculated affection.” When the husband says, ”I love you,” it is merely a response of the mind; because he gives his wife a certain protection, he expects of her and she gives him her favor. This relationship of calculation is called love. It is an obvious fact – you may not like me to put it so brutally, but it is the actual fact. Such marriage is said to be for love, but it is a mere matter of exchange; it is a bania marriage, it reveals the mentality of the market place. Surely, in such marriage there cannot be love, can there? Love is not of the mind, but since we have cultivated the mind, we use that word love to cover the field of the mind. Surely, love has nothing to do with the mind, it is not the product of the mind; love is entirely independent of calculation, of thought. When there is no love, then the framework of marriage as an institution becomes a necessity. When there is love, then sex is not a problem – it is the lack of love that makes it into a problem. Don’t you know? When you love somebody really deeply – not with the love of the mind, but really from the heart – you share with him or her everything that you have, not your body only, but everything. In your trouble, you ask her help and she helps you. There is no division between man and woman when you love somebody, but there is a sexual problem when you do not know that love. We know only the love of the brain; thought has produced it, and a product of thought is still thought, it is not love.
So, this problem of sex is not simple and it cannot be solved on its own level. To try to solve it purely biologically is absurd; and to approach it through religion or to try to solve it as though it were a mere matter of physical adjustment, of glandular action, or to hedge it in with taboos and condemnations is all too immature, childish, and stupid. It requires intelligence of the highest order. To understand ourselves in our relationship with another requires intelligence far more swift and subtle than to understand nature. But we seek to understand without intelligence; we want immediate action, an immediate solution, and the problem becomes more and more important. Have you noticed a man whose heart is empty, how his face becomes ugly and how the children he produces are ugly and immature? And because they have had no affection, they remain immature for the rest of their lives. Look at your faces sometime in the mirror – how unformed, how undefined they are! You have brains to find out, and you are caught in the brain. Love is not mere thought; thoughts are only the external action of the brain. Love is much deeper, much more profound, and the profundity of life can be discovered only in love. Without love, life has no meaning – and that is the sad part of our existence. We grow old while still immature; our bodies become old, fat, and ugly, and we remain thoughtless. Though we read and talk about it, we have never known the perfume of life. Mere reading and verbalizing indicates an utter lack of the warmth of heart that enriches life; and without that quality of love, do what you will, join any society, bring about any law, you will not solve this problem. To love is to be chaste. Mere intellect is not chastity. The man who tries to be chaste in thought is unchaste because he has no love. Only the man who loves is chaste, pure, incorruptible.
– Jiddu Krishnamurti (From a talk given on September 19, 1948)
Do not pretend that you love others as yourself. Unless you have realized them as one with yourself, you cannot love them. Don’t pretend to be what you are not, don’t refuse to be what you are. Your love of others is the result of self-knowledge, not its cause.
Without self-realization, no virtue is genuine. Where you know beyond all doubting that the same life flows through all that is and you are that life, you will love all naturally and spontaneously.
When you realize the depth and fullness of your love of yourself, you know that every living being and the entire universe are included in your affection.
But when you look at anything as separate from you, you cannot love it for you are afraid of it. Alienation causes fear and fear deepens alienation. It is a vicious circle. Only self-realization can break it. Go for it resolutely.
— Nisargadatta Maharaj
If we are very honest with ourselves we will often find our relationships with people, romantic and otherwise, are based on what we get out of it. We can quickly become attached to people and depend on them for our happiness and feel very distraught were they to be removed from our lives.
It’s easy to say attachment is normal, inevitable, and human. But the deeper question here is can you really love someone when you’re attached to them? If you depend on a person for your happiness it will inhibit the possibility of love.
Relationships can become like drugs. You’re happy when you have those wonderful feelings, sad when you don’t, and you are constantly seeking a repetition of those experiences you enjoyed with the other person.
These questions won’t come up when people are enjoying each other sufficiently or when they are caught up in the strife and conflict that will inevitably surface. These are difficult things to look at because one might have to face ugly facts like perhaps they have never really loved another without that love being corrupted by fear, dependence, and attachment.
We are human, and it’s not perfection or enlightenment that we are being measured against here. I am not even proposing non-attachment as an ideal. But certainly we must face the fact of what we are actually doing. And thus the title of this post.
Can you have deep closeness with another person without it breeding attachment and dependence? It’s fine to enjoy whatever is in front of you but thought and the mind won’t leave you alone once those things you like are not in front of you. We are frequently thinking about what we want or remembering past pleasures. But if we could live so freely in the moment without thought disturbing us, perhaps then we would be closer to being imbued with the quality of love.
He who binds to himself a joy Does the winged life destroy; But he who kisses the joy as it flies Lives in eternity’s sun rise. — William Blake
Listen carefully. You want to be loved because you do not love; but the moment you love, it is finished, you are no longer inquiring whether or not somebody loves you. As long as you demand to be loved, there is no love in you; and if you feel no love, you are ugly, brutish, so why should you be loved? Without love you are a dead thing; and when the dead thing asks for love, it is still dead. Whereas, if your heart is full of love, then you never ask to be loved, you never put out your begging bowl for someone to fill it. It is only the empty who ask to be filled, and an empty heart can never be filled by running after gurus or seeking love in a hundred other ways.
A mind that is seeking is not a passionate mind and to come upon love without seeking it is the only way to find it – to come upon it unknowingly and not as the result of any effort or experience. Such a love, you will find, is not of time; such a love is both personal and impersonal, is both the one and the many. Like a flower that has perfume you can smell it or pass it by. That flower is for everybody and for the one who takes trouble to breathe it deeply and look at it with delight. Whether one is very near in the garden, or very far away, it is the same to the flower because it is full of that perfume and therefore it is sharing with everybody.
Love is something that is new, fresh, alive. It has no yesterday and no tomorrow. It is beyond the turmoil of thought. It is only the innocent mind which knows what love is, and the innocent mind can live in the world which is not innocent. To find this extraordinary thing which man has sought endlessly through sacrifice, through worship, through relationship, through sex, through every form of pleasure and pain, is only possible when thought comes to understand itself and comes naturally to an end. Then love has no opposite, then love has no conflict.
You may ask, `If I find such a love, what happens to my wife, my children, my family? They must have security.’ When you put such a question you have never been outside the field of thought, the field of consciousness. When once you have been outside that field you will never ask such a question because then you will know what love is in which there is no thought and therefore no time. You may read this mesmerized and enchanted, but actually to go beyond thought and time – which means going beyond sorrow – is to be aware that there is a different dimension called love.
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